Wednesday, August 18, 2010

[lawak] husband and wife

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a
thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing,
always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started...

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