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Monday, July 4, 2011

Kisah sepasang Kekasih

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Nora menjemput pakwenya.. Hamzah untuk pergi kerumah berjumpa kedua ibubapanya sambil makan malam..Kalau Hamzah bersetuju.. Nora berjanji akan tidur bersamanya selepas makan malam tersebut.. Setelah berfikir agak lama.. akhirnya Hamzah bersetuju dan membuat beberapa persiapan... Dia lalu pergi ke sebuah farmasi dan bertemu dengan pemilik farmasi tersebut untuk meminta nasihat dan tunjuk ajar...


Hamzah : "Pakcik.. Malam ni.. buat pertama kalinya saya akan meniduri kekasih saya jadi saya ingin membeli ubat yang paling baik untuk menguatkan ketahanan dan mempercepatkan ransangan..saya juga ingin.. membeli kondom yang paling tahan.."



Pemilik Farmasi : "Berapa banyak kamu mahu kondomnya?"



Hamzah : "12 keping.. kerana saya mahu mengulangi sebanyak 12 kali"



Selesai berurusan di Farmasi tersebut... Hamzah terus balik ke rumahnya... Malam pun tiba.. Di Rumah Nora... Hamzah duduk di sisi makwenya itu..berhadapan dengan kedua orang tua Nora... 30 minit berlalu.. Hamzah banyak tunduk dan malu-malu.... akhirnya selesai makan malam... Nora berbisik pada Hamzah...



Nora : "Saya tidak menyangka yang abang ni pemalu orangnya.. tapi bagus juga.. mesti ayah tidak ada alasan untuk menolak perkahwinan kita nanti...'



Hamzah : (Sambil berbisik) "Abang tak sangka.. ayah awak tu rupanya seorang pemilik Farmasi..'

Ingat! Seperti Bom Tangan

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Apabila beberapa orang pekerja sebuah restoran nasi kandar menghadiri satu Seminar Kebakaran & Keselamatan di Penang, mereka melihat pegawai bomba membuat demonstrasi memadam kebakaran menggunakan alat pemadam api (fire extinguiser) dengan begitu berminat sekali.

"Cabut pin ini seperti mencabut pin bom tangan," pegawai itu menerangkan. "kemudian tekan di sini untuk mengeluarkan 'foam'nya." terang pegawai itu lebih lanjut.

Tidak lama kemudian, seorang pekerja restoran nasi kandar berkenaan telah dipilih untuk mengawal kebakaran di tempat letak kereta.

Disebabkan kegugupannya, dia terlupa untuk mencabut pin alat pemadam api tersebut. Pegawai itu kemudiannya memberikan klunya, "Ingat !, seperti bom tangan.". Seperti timbul satu keyakinan baru kepada pekerja restoran nasi kandar itu, ia pun dengan segera mencabut pin dan melontarkan alat pemadam api itu ke dalam kawasan kebakaran tersebut.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Kisah 3 Orang Pendatang Cina di Amerika

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3 orang adik beradik China bernama (Bu, Chu dan Fu ) telah bersama-sama berpindah
ke Amerika untuk memulakan hidup baru.
Jadi mereka telah sepakat untuk menukarkan nama mereka untuk lebeh berbau ke Amerikaan.

Bu telah menukar namanya kepada Buck dan Chu telah menukar namanya kepada Chuck.
Malangnya Fu telah dihantar kembali balik ke mainland oleh imigresen.
nape ye ?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

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What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(? ), $250k annual income is not enough.


I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:


1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys


4) How do you decide who can be your wife, who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

reply dari CEO J.P Morgan :
Dear Ms. Pretty,


I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.


However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.


By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Rasuah

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Seorang pegawai dipanggil untuk di soal siasat oleh BPR(Badan Pencegah Rasuah). Lalu dia meminta nasihat
akauntannya bagaimana sebaiknya ia mengenakan pakaian...

"Kau pakailah pakaian yang buruk dan hanya berselipar.Biar mereka fikir engkau miskin" jawabnya.

Lalu lelaki itu bertanya pula kepada penyelia bawahannya..tapi jawapannya berbeza..

"Jangan takut.. engkau pakailah pakaian yang mewah dan eksesori yang mahal...

Kerana kebingungan.. pegawai tadi pergi pula berjumpa dengan bosnya..

"Senang saja.. aku ada satu cerita yang hampirserupa..." kata bosnya dan menyambung..."Ada seorang wanita muda, menjelang perkahwinanya, dia meminta nasihat ibunya apa yang harus dipakai pada malam pengantin."

"Pakailah gaun yang tebal, panjang, yang menutup lehermu". jawab ibunya.

Tapi waktu dia pergi meminta nasihat dari kawan karibnya..dia mendapatkan nasihat yang berbeza: "Engkau pakai aje gaun nipis yg paling seksi, bahagian lehernya terbuka sampai ke dada..".

Pegawai tadi semakin kebingungan dan berkata.."Tapi,apa kaitan semua ini dengan masalah yang saya hadapi dengan
BPR?".

Bosnya berkata...

"Tak kira apapun yang engkau pakai, kau tetap akankena...".




MORAL : jgn ler mkn rasuah....

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Old Love On A Date

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An old couple who had not been out on a date in a very long time was spending Saturday evening at home as usual.

As they sat watching TV, the man looked toward where his wife was sitting and asked in an affectionate tone, "Do you want to go out, little lady?"

Pleasantly surprised the lady replied without hesitation, "Oh, my, of course I want to, let's go!"

They had a great night out, and toward the end of the evening the lady turned to her husband and said, "I had a great time, but be honest. What happened to make you ask me on date after so many years?"

Well dear I have to tell you, I didn't ask you on a date at all. I was asking our dog Muffin, who was sitting next to your chair, if she wanted to go for a walk.


Roti

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Seorang penjual roti di langgar sebuah bas. Akibatnya, dia tercampak dari motor rotinya dan masuk ke dalam longkang...

Sementara itu rotinya bertaburan di atas jalan.. Sambil menyapu darah yang mengalir dari kepalanya.. dia terus merintih kesakitan...

Tak lama kemudian datanglah pihak polis menghampirinya dan bertanya..

"Ada apa encik..? Ada apa ?"

Dengan suara yang perlahan dan dengan merintih kesakitan.. penjual roti itu berkata,

"Adaaaaaa rotii kejuuuuuuu ... Adaaaaaa rotii coklaaaattt ..."

Pak Pandir Makin Bijak

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Pak pandir bekerja sebagai penoreh getah...
dia selalu mengadu kepada isterinya yang kakinya selalu terpijak duri kerana
tIdak mempunyai alas kaki untuk ke kebun getah..
Isterinya pun memberinya sedikit wang dan menyuruhnya pergi ke pekan
untuk membeli sepasang kasut baru. Isterinya berpesan supaya menawar
harga kasut sebelum membayar.


Sesampainya di pekan Pak Pandir terus pergi ke sebuah kedai runcit.
Pak pandir membelek-belek sepasang kasut berjenama Fungkiong.
Beliau diperhatikan oleh tokeh kedai tersebut. setelah mencuba dan
berpuas hati kasut sesuai dengan saiznya maka
Pak Pakdir pun bertanya harga kasut tersebut.
Tokeh itu memberitahu harga kasut itu enam ringgit setengah.
Pak Pandir teringat pesan isterinya supaya menawar harga sebelum membayar.
Dia pun berkata, "Boleh kasi kurang kah tokeh?".
Tokeh kedai menjawab "Berapa awak minta kurang?"
Pak Pandir menjawab " Kasi kurang dua ringgit lah.."
Tokeh itu menjawab, "Ok lah,... pakcik punya pasal saya kasi kurang dua ringgit"
Pak Pandir pun gembira lalu membayar harga yang di fikirkannya betul.
Tokeh kedai menerima duit yang diberi oleh Pak Pandir tanpa banyak soal.

Sesampainya di rumah Pak Pakdir bukan main gembira menceritakan pada isterinya
perihal dia menawar harga kasut tersebut.
Isterinya bertanya, "Berapa harga kasut tu bang?"
Pak Pandir menjawab, "Harganya enam ringgit setengah... saya tawar tokeh kasi kurang dua ringgit.
jadi saya bayar sepuluh ringgit lah.."
Isterinya tercengang mendengar cerita Pak Pandir.. dia bengong bagaimana
harga enam ringgit setengah bila di tawar harga menjadi semakin tinggi...
Dia pun bertanya Pak Pandir kenapa harga enam ringgit setengah di tawar jadi sepuluh ringgit...
Pak Pandir selamba menjawab..., "Harga kasut tu enam ringgit setengah, kalau nak yang setengah lagi tentulah kena bayar duabelas ringgit, dikurangkan dua ringgit jadi sepuluh ringgitlah" jawab pak pandir.



Isterinya berkata dalam hati... "Laki aku ni bodoh ke bangang ahhh.....??!!"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

In A Minute

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A man asked a millionaire philosopher:

Man : How long is a million years to you?
Millionaire : A million years is like a minute

Man : How much is a million dollars to you?
Millionaire : A million dollars is like a cent

Man : Could you give one cent
Millionaire : In a minute

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Jenaka Pendek 1

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Melihat anak remajanya yang sudah beranjak dewasa, Si Ibulalu mendatangi anak gadisnyai yang sedang berehat di biliknya.
Setelah berbual tentang beberapa hal, si ibu berkata "Mama pikir sudahwaktunya kita membicarakan tentang seks"
Si anak gadis terus bangkit duduk, dan dengan mata bersinar-sinarr dan nadabersemangat dia berkata, "Okey Ma. Sekarang apa yang Mama ingin tau tentang seks?"
Si Mama terus jatuh pengsan

Monday, June 20, 2011

Hillarious Help Desk Conversation

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This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!


=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Mary. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Image Credit: akohelpdesk.com

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tutorial Kawen dengan Mudah..

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Tutorial untuk Kahwin Dengan Mudah



cara ini adalah dengan menggunakan facebook
1- pergi ke edit profile
2- click featured people
3-nampak relationdhip status kan???
4-click married
5-lepas tu pilih pasangan korang dan save changes
6-tunggu pasangan korang terima nikahnya

senang kan hanya 6 langkah je untuk kawin pada masa sekarang...
perkahwinan sejenis pun xda yang boleh halang...

[18 sx] Minyak Wangi Tumpah

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Didalam satu bas diwaktu petang semasa ramai orang berebut-berebut untuk pulang ke rumah terdapat seorang gadis yang keadaanya agak resah sedang duduk berdepan dengan seorang lelaki jawa yang sedang berdiri berhimpit-himpit dengan penumpang yang lain. Memang kebiasaannya di waktu begini jalankan jem. Jadi bas tu tak dapat le bergerak dengan sempurna.
Gadis yang resah tu rupanya ..nak terkencing. Tetapi dia tak dapat turun sebab orang ramai dan bas tidak berhenti rumahnya pun jauh lagi. Tahan punya tahan last-last terkencing le sikit. Bila dia perasan dia pun buat-buatle buka handbag dan cuba mencari sesuatu .
Tanpa disedari Jawa didepannya dah perhatikan dia dengan agak lama juga.
Nak jadi cerita orang yang duduk sebelah gadis tersebut pun bangun sebab dah sampai. Jadi gadis tersebut pun alih le ketempat tersebut kerana sit dia
dah basah. Jadi Jawa ni pun nak duduk le. Bila dia tengok basah dia tanye kat gadis tersebut.
"Aduh bu..ngapa tempat ni basah ya"…
Jawab gadis tersebut "Ohh… tadi botol minyak wangi saya tertumpah. Saya cari tutupnya tapi tak jumpa. Dalam beg tangan pun tidak ada".
Jadi Jawa tu pun keluarkan le saputangannya dan lap sebelum duduk. Setelah duduk dia pun cium le saputangan tersebut untuk menghidu wangiannya. Bau-bau punya baru le jawatu tau rupanya air kencing sambil tersenyum jawa tu jawab.."Lo…Kalau minyak wangi jenama ini..Kalau mau, saya ada penutupnya."…..

Pak Abu dan Top-Up

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Pak Abu baru beli henfon kat bini tua dia tapi tak belikan topup. Mak Leha yang tak penah pakai henfon komplen kat anak bongsu dia kenapa henfon yang Pak Abu bagi tak boleh fungsi. Anak bongsu Mak Leha suruh mak dia beli top-up kat kedai. Mak Leha naik moto pegi pekan singgah kat kedai runcit nak beli top-up tapi tak de. Taukey kedai suruh Mak Leha pegi tanya kat gerai depan kedai kalau-kalau ade jual. Mak Leha terus pegi tanya kat gerai tu, taukey gerai pulak kata kat situ tak de top-up tapi goreng ubi, goreng pisang dengan karipap ade la. Mak Leha terus beli karipap dan bawak balik rumah tunjuk kat Pak Abu..

"Bang, Leha dah beli dah ni, abang tolong pasang kat henfon Leha ok" mintak Mak Leha dengan sopan pada suaminya. Pak Abu heran kenapa Mak Leha beli karipap sebab selama ni Pak Abu tak feveret karipap, dia cuma makan kueh sardin gulung je.

"Leha nak suruh abang buat apa dengan karipap ni Leha," tanya Pak Abu hairan.

"Itu la abang, Leha pun hairan sejak bila henfon kena pasang karipap? " Balas Mak Leha. Pak Abu garu kepala dan tanya Mak Leha berapa sen karipap tadi. Mak Leha jawab 30 sen.

"Ohhh..patut la, tak cukup kredit kot, cube Leha pegi beli dua bijik lagi, mesti boleh guna henfon nanti." Selamba jer Pak Abu balas.

[lawak] After 20 years

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been out of jail today and a free man!"

p/s: Whatever you want to do, do it right.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

[Lawak] TAKTIK ELAK SAMAN HAD LAJU

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Seorang polis menahan seorang pemandu kereta kerana memandu melebihi had laju.

Polis: Encik mintak lesen....

Pemandu: Saya tkde lesen ,..lesen saya dah digantung masa saya didakwa memandu mabuk untuk kali ke lima.

Polis: Mintak road tax kereta ni..

Pemandu: Ni bukan kereta saya...saya curi kereta ni.

Polis: Ni kereta curi???

Pemandu: Ya betul...tapi saya terpikir tadi saya macam nampak road tax kete ni kat laci dashboard masa saya simpan pistol saya dalam tu.

Polis: Ada pistol dalam laci dashboard!!!!!!!

Pemandu: Ya betul..saya letak disitu selepas saya tembak pemilik kereta ni dan mayat nya saya letak kat bonet belakang.

Polis: Ada MAYAT dalam bonet!!!!!!

Pemandu: Ya betul Tuan..

Setelah mendengar kesemuanya polis tersebut menghubungi ketua polis nya. Dan dengan segera kereta tersebut telah di kepung dan ketua polis menghampiri pemandu tersebut.


Ketua Polis: Encik ..boleh mintak lesen memandu?

Pemandu: Boleh..ini dia ..lesen memandu sah saya.

Ketua Polis: Ini siapa punya kereata.

Pemandu: Saya yang punya ini road tax kereta ini.

Ketua Polis: Boleh encik perlahan-lahan buka laci dashboard ini supaya saya boleh tengok jika ada pistol didalam.

Pemandu: Boleh Tuan..tetapi tiada pistol didalam...

Ketua Polis: Bolehkan tolong buka bonet kereta belakang ini? Tadi encik penah berkata bahwe ada mayat didalamnya.

Pemandu: Takde masalah...bonet dah dibuka...tapi mana ada mayat didalamnya.

Ketua Polis: Saya kurang faham ini...polis sebentar tadi yang menahan kamu berkata..kamu tidak ada lesen , kereta ini kamu curi, kamu memiliki pistol yang di simpan di laci dashboard dan ada mayat yang dibunuh oleh kamu di simpan di bonet kereta kamu.

Pemandu: Ha yeke...kalau macam tu mesti si penipu besar tu pun ada bagitau tuan yang saya ni memandu melebihi had jugak.. penipu!!