[lawak] Wife is Not In The Car

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell

out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[lawak] Rase Nak Muntah

Di dalam sebuah bas duduk seorang pemuda dan seorang nenek. Si nenek memicit-micit kepalanya.

"Kenapa nie nek. Pening ya," tanya pemuda tersebut.

"Ya nak, rasanya kepala pening, perut mual, rasa macam nak muntah," jawab nenek.

"Oh, ya nak, bolehkah nenek melihat muka kamu sebentar."

Pemuda itu terkejut tapi kemudian tersenyum,"Boleh nek, tapi kenapa?"

Si nenek menjawab,”Biar muntahnya lebih cepat.”

[lawak] Karangan terpendek dunia menang hadiah biasiswa

Karangan Pendek


Seorang budak berusia 16 tahun dari New Hampshire memenangibiasiswa melanjut pelajaran ke Universiti Harvard

setelah menang pertandingan membuatkarangan esei terpendek di dunia.


soalan karangan ialah macam ini:


Write a concise essay with reference to all the following elements


1.Religion

2.Royalty

3.Sex

4.Mystery

Jadi budak ni pun buat le satu karangan begini:
“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who thefather is.”

[lawak] Perbualan Dalam Mahkamah

ini adalah sebahagian dari perbualan2 yang kelakar pernah berlaku dalam makamah..


Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
* Witness: "She is my daughter."
* Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
* Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* Witness: "I could see his head."
* Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
* Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

[lawak] Pak Mamut dan Manager Bank

Ada seorang pakcik yang bernama Pak Mamut yang sangat kaya. Setiap hari beliau akan menyimpan RM1000 di bank. Setiap hari tepat pukul 9 pagi Pak Mamut dah pun bersiap sedia terpacak di kaunter bank untuk menyimpan RM1000nya. Setelah lebih kurang setahun berlalu, kehadirannya setiap hari disedari oleh Manager Bank. Menager Bank itu pun memanggilnya ke office dan bertanya...

Manager : Setiap hari saya lihat pak cik akan menympan RM1000 di bank. Apa kerja pak cik?

Pak Mamut : Saya ni sebenarnya tak de kerja encik. Cuma saya suka bertaruh. Setiap hari saya akan bertaruh dan saya tak pernah kalah.

Manager : Ooo... ini sudah cukup bagus. Tapi pak cik mungkin belum bertemu dengan orang yang teror macam saya ni. Kalau pak cik bertaruh dengan saya jangan haraplah nak menang.

Pak Mamut : Iye ke? Kalau macam tu jom kita bertaruh.
Manager : Okay. Sebutkan apa saja pak cik nak bertaruh dengan saya.

Pak Mamut : Macam ni... dalam tempoh 7 hari dari sekarang encik akan kehilangan bulu ketiak encik. Kalau betul encik akan hilang RM1000, kalau
tak saya akan bayar encik RM1000.

Manager : Hahaha.. tak logiklah pak cik. Tapi tak pe... saya setuju.

Setelah kedua-duanya setuju mereka pun beredar. Besoknya bila bangun pagi Manager tu pun meraba ketiaknya.. ooh masih ada bulu. Begitulah seterusnya hinggalah sampai ke hari yang ketujuh dia dapati bulu ketiaknyanya masih lagi ada.. Dengan suka hatinya Manager tersebut pun pergilah berjumpa dengan Pak Mamut.

Manager : Pak cik sorrylah ye! .. bulu ketiak saya masih lagi ada..
Pak Mamut : Betul ke? Aku tak percaya... Mari sini aku cek...

Lalu dipegangnya ketiak Manager tu. Sambil tersenyum Pak Mamut pun berkata..

Pak Mamut : Okaylah.. Betul kata kau. Nah ambil RM1000 ni..

Pak Mamut pun menghulurkannya.

Manager : Hari ni baru pak cik tahu siapa yang teror... Sorrylah pak cik hari ni pak cik tak dapat pergi bank lagi keh.. keh.. keh...

Tiba-tiba Pak Mamut mengeluarkan RM4000 dan pergi ke kaunter bank. Manager tersebut rasa hairan lalu bertanya pada Pak Mamut..

Manager : mana pak cik dapat duit sebanyak tu?
Pak Mamut : Pak cik bertaruh dengan kawan pak cik Guard kat luar tu tadi RM5000.
Manager : Bertaruh apa?
Pak Mamut : Bertaruh yang pak cik dapat pegang bulu ketiak Manager Bank..



p/s: Berjudi itu haram di sisi agama

[lawak] Malu Sesangat..

Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar. Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluarlah... aper nak di malukan... perkara biase jer nih." Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu." Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik... tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!" Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"

[teladan] Cawan Yang Cantik

Sepasang datuk dan nenek pergi ke sebuah kedai cenderamata untuk mencari hadiah buat cucu mereka. Kemudian mata mereka tertuju kepada cawan yang cantik. "Lihat cawan itu," kata si nenek kepada suaminya. "Kau betul, inilah cangkir tercantik yang pernah aku lihat," ujar si datuk.

 

Pada ketika mereka mendekati cawan itu, tiba-tiba cangkir yang dimaksud berbicara:-  "Terima kasih untuk perhatian anda, perlu diketahui bahwa aku dulunya tidak cantik. Sebelum menjadi cawan yang dikagumi, aku hanyalah selonggok tanah liat yang tidak berguna. Namun suatu hari ada seorang penjunan dengan tangan kotor melempar aku ke sebuah roda berputar .

 

Kemudian ia mulai memutar-mutar aku hingga aku merasa pening."Stop ! Stop !" Aku berteriak. Tetapi orang itu berkata, 'Belum !' Lalu ia mulai menyodok dan meninju aku berulang-ulang. "Stop! Stop!" teriakku lagi. Tapi orang ini masih saja meninjuku, tanpa menghiraukan teriakanku. Bahkan lebih buruk lagi ia memasukkan aku ke dalam api. "Panas! Panas!" Teriakku dengan kuat."Stop!Cukup!" Teriakku lagi.Tapi orang ini berkata,"Belum" .

 

Akhirnya ia mengangkat aku dari api itu dan membiarkan aku sampai sejuk. Aku fikir, selesailah penderitaanku. Oh ternyata belum.Setelah sejuk aku diberikan kepada seorang wanita muda dan ia mulai mewarnai aku. Asapnya begitu memualkan."Stop ! Stop !" Aku berteriak. Wanita itu berkata,"Belum!". Lalu ia memberikan aku kepada seorang lelaki dan ia memasukkan aku sekali lagi ke api yang lebih panas dari sebelumnya." Tolong! Hentikan penyiksaan ini!", sambil menangis aku berteriak sekuat-kuatnya.Tapi orang ini tidak peduli dengan teriakanku. Ia terus membakarku.

 

Setelah puas "menyiksaku" kini aku dibiarkan sejuk. Setelah benar-benar sejuk seorang wanita cantik mengangkatku dan menempatkan aku dekat kaca. Aku melihat diriku. Aku terkejut sekali. Aku hampir tidak percaya, kerana di hadapanku berdiri sebuah cawan yang begitu cantik. Semua kesakitan dan penderitaanku yang lalu menjadi sirna tatkala kulihat diriku." Datuk dan nenek itu terdiam membisu. Lalu diceritakan kisah itu kepada cucunya.

 

 

Pengajaran:

Seperti inilah kehidupan membentuk kita.Dalam perjalanan hidup akan banyak kita temui keadaan yang tidak menyenangkan, sakit, penuh penderitaan, dugaan, ujian hidup dan linangan air mata. Tetapi inilah satu-satunya cara untuk mengubah kita supaya menjadi "cantik". Jangan lupa bahawa cobaan yang kita alami tidak akan melebihi kekuatan kita kerana Allah tidak akan menguji hambanya melebihi kemampuannya. Ertinya tidak ada alasan untuk tergoda dan jatuh dalam dosa apabila anda sedang menghadapi ujian hidup.Jangan kecil hati, kerana Tuhan sedang membentuk anda. Bentukan-bentukan ini memang menyakitkan tetapi setelah semua proses itu selesai; anda akan melihat betapa cantiknya Tuhan membentuk anda untuk kehidupan yang lebih baik dan bermakna di hari kemudian dan hari pembalasan(akhirat).

[lawak] Fantasi Seorang Pemandu Teksi

Seorang Nurse, Ratna menahan teksi. Sedang dalam perjalanan... Pemandu teksi iaitu Feddy asyik memerhati Nurse itu melalui cermin tengahnya..Merasa kehairanan... Nurse itu bertanya...

"Encik.. kenapa encik melihat saya begitu ??"

Feddy tersenyum malu dan berkata...
" Sebenarnya... saya selalu berfantasi....maaf ya... saya sangat ingin mencium seorang Nurse..."

"Oh begitu!! tak der masalah... encik boleh mencium saya.. kalau itu memang memberikan ketenangan buat encik... tapi saya ada syarat iaitu encik mesti masih single" kata Nurse...

Feddy gembira dan berkata...
"iya...iya, saya masih single".

Kemudian teksi itu diberhentikan di jalan sepi... Feddy terus mencium nurse itu selama 10 minit... kemudian mereka pun meneruskan perjalanan kembali.

Tapi Feddy menangis teresak-esak sambil berkata...

"Maafkan saya cik... saya merasa bersalah... sebenarnya saya sudah berkahwin".

Mendengar penerangan itu Ratna tersenyum bijak dan berkata...

"Sudahlah encik... tidak ada apa-apa yang perlu di bimbangkan... Saya juga bersalah. Saya juga bukanlah seorang Nurse... saya adalah seorang Mak Nyah yang kebetulan dalam perjalanan menuju ke pesta pakaian beragam"

[teladan] Kisah Seorang Sahabat Di Malam Raya

Pejam celik, pejam celik je dah nak raya. Dah lama aku tak balik
kampung..Rasanya dah dekat lima tahun sejak aku sambung belajar ke luar
negara.Tahun ni, dapat gak aku beraya di kampung, jumpa mak abah dan
adik-adik kawan-kawan yang dah lama hilang tanpa khabar berita. Apa cerita
Naim ye?Dah lama aku tak contact dia. Kalau jumpa mesti dia marah gile kat
aku pasal aku tak reti-reti nak hantar surat kat dia. Dulu masa kecik main
sama-sama.Bila dah belajar... lupa kawan! Raiz senyum sendirian. Terkenang
zaman riang kanak-kanaknya bersama Naim.

Bas yang terhenyak-henyak dek
jalan yang berlubang terasa bagai membuai sambil melayan kenangan. Mesti
semua orang terkejut dengan kepulangannya. Mesti ramai awek kempung
menyesal kerana mengejek dia dahulu. Maklumlah dulu Raiz 'nerd'! Selalu
kena buli. Naimlah yang selalu jadi 'bodyguard'nya. Tapi sejak belajar di
luar negara, dia dah berubah. Jadi kacak dan pandai bergaya. Naim juga
mesti terlopong melihat perubahan dirinya. Bas yang membawa Raiz dari pekan tadi berhenti
di bahu jalan. Untuk sampai ke rumah, Raiz kena berjalan kaki hampir
sepuluh minit. Ketika turun dari bas, Raiz lihat ada seseorang duduk
mencangkung di bawah tiang lampu. Seakan macam dikenalinya orang itu. Raiz
menghampiri. Orang itu terkebil-kebil memandangnya sambil menggigit anak
kemuncut. "Wey! Siut! Aku ingat orang darat mana tadi! Engkau rupanya! Apa
kau buat tepi jalan malam-malam camni?" Razi bersuara sambil memeluk Naim yang
terkekeh-kekeh ketawa.

"Aku tunggu kau baliklah! Wah! Orang UK ! Balik
Malaysia jadi camni kau yek.. hensem nampak?" Naim menepuk-nepuk bahu Raiz.
Kegembiraan jelas terbayang diwajahnya. "Biasa la! zaman bersedar, manusia
pun kena berubah! Mana kau tau aku nak balik?" Naim tidak menjawab soalan
Raiz, cuma tersengih-sengih. Raiz memerhatikan Naim dari atas hingga ke
bawah.. Ada perubahan ketara pada sahabatnya. Nampak berserabut, selekeh
dan kakinya sedikit tempang. "Apa kena dengan kau ni? Apasal kaki kau tu?
Lagi satu aku tengok kau ni macam ada masalah je..." tegur Raiz.
Naim kelihatan murung.

"Aku memang ada masalah pun. Eh! kau ni terus balik
rumah ke?" Naim mengubah topik.
"Cadangnya gitulah!"
" Ala ! singgahlah rumah aku dulu! Aku dah lama tak borak dengan kau.
Banyak benda aku nak cerita. Bukan senang aku nak jumpa kau!" pujuk Naim lalu
menarik tangan Raiz, dan tanpa membantah, Raiz mengikut sahaja.
"Tak apalah, malam ni aku temankan Naim! Pagi esok aku balik la!
boleh terus siap untuk sembahyang raya!" kata Raiz dalam hati.
"Eh? Kau duduk sorang je ke? Mana mak ayah kau? Raiz kehairanan apabila
mendapati suasana rumah Naim sunyi sepi. Malah rumah itu hanya diterangi
cahaya pelita minyak tanah! Naim menarik nafas panjang.
"Inilah! nasib aku malang betul Iz,lepas kau pergi UK dulu, macam-macam
terjadi kat aku! Mak ayah aku sakit, aku tak dapat sambung belajar sebab
nak jaga diorang.Terpaksalah aku buat kerja kampung. Tapi mulut orang
jahat betul, aku dituduhnya buat kerja-kerja mencuri. Kaki aku ni, tempang
dibalun dek orang kampung la!" Terkejut Raiz mendengar cerita Naim.

"Setahun lepas tu mak ayah aku meninggal. Kau tau, takde sapa yang datang
nak uruskan jenazah, kecuali mak abah kau dengan pak imam je!" Naim
terisak-isak. Dia mengesat airmata dengan lengan bajunya yang lusuh. Raiz
tergamam. Tidak disangka-sangka nasib Naim sebegitu malang .
"Lepas mereka meninggal, hidup aku jadi tak tentu arah. Aku tak ada tempat
nak mengadu. Tiap-tiap malam raya sampailah ke hari raya, aku tunggu tepi
jalan, manalah tau kot-kot kau ada balik! Pasal aku tau kau sorang je
boleh dengar masalah aku. Semua orang cakap aku gila. Minah-minah kilang
pulak tuduh aku nak mengenen diorang. Hishh! Aku cuma tunggu kau balik!
Salah ke? Kau kawan aku dunia akhirat. Diorang apa tau?Tak peduli aku
makan ke, minum ke! sakit ke! matipun diorang mesti tak ambil peduli!"
Suara Naim sedikit tinggi. Menunjukkan "Aku mintak maaf Naim, aku
betul-betul tak tau hidup kau susah sampai macam tu sekali!" Raiz
menyuarakan rasa bersalahnya. Naim cuma tersenyum.

"Tu la kau, pergi belajar jauh-jauh tu kenapa? Dah langsung tak dengar berita. Tengok-tengok
balik dah jadi camni bergaya kau ye! Eh! Minumlah! rumah aku takde apa
boleh dimakan. Ni je la!". Naim menyorong gelas berisi teh sejuk dan
sepiring biskut kering. Hati Raiz sebak. Sampai begini susah hidup Naim!
"Aku mintak maaf Naim, sedih sungguh aku tengok kau ni!" Suara Raiz sayu
dan pilu. Naim senyum tawar. "Buat apa kau mintak maaf? Aku jadi macam ni
pun bukan kau punya angkara. Dah nasib aku, nak buat camana. Kau dah balik
ni, selalu-selalu la jenguk aku kat sini! ye. Esok dah nak raya,aku mintak
ampun maaf dengan kau dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki..Halalkanlah
makan minum aku selama kita berkawan. Raya ni datanglah rumah aku ye!"
Mereka berbual hingga larut malam. Raiz tak sedar hingga pukul
berapa. Ketika matanya terasa berat, Naim menghulurkan bantal kecil dan
tilam nipis sambil tersenyum. Terus Raiz tertidur..

"Astaghfirullah! Budak ni kat sini rupanya! Puas kita tunggu dia balik!"
Satu suara kuat menyebabkan Raiz tersentak dari tidur.Terpisat-pisat Raiz
bangun."Eh? Mak!" terkejut Raiz lihat ibunya berdiri di depan bersama ayah
dan ahli keluarganya yang lain. Berpakaian cantik dan kemas. "Yang kau tidur
kat sini pagi-pagi raya ni kenapa? Dah takde rumah nak balik?" jerkah
ayahnya.

"Eh? Kenapa pulak diorang marah ni?Raiz memerhatikan sekelilingnya. Tiada
gelas berisi teh... tiada biskut kering! Hanya daun-daun kering yang
bertaburan! Di tepinya terpacak batu nisan! Raiz melompat bangun. Raiz
pandang sekeliling. Bukan satu sahaja batu nisan,ada dua, tiga, malah
berpuluh-puluh lagi. Raiz mengelabah.

"Eh? Semalam saya pergi rumah Naim, mak... ayah!
"Kenapa?? Kau tengok... dekat kubur siapa kau tidur tu!" Raiz segera
mengamati tulisan jawi yang tertulis pada batu nisan. Abdul Naim bin
Malik.16 September 1975 - 27 Oktober 2003! Raiz terpelangah.
"Mak! Malam tadi saya jumpa Naim mak!! Kalau dia takde, sapa yang saya
jumpa malam tadi? Bulan puasa pun ada hantu ke?"

"Budak ni...bulan puasa mana ada hantu! Naim dah tak ada! Dia meninggal
hari pertama menyambut puasa. Masa tu ribut, dia duduk dekat kubur arwah
mak ayah dia. Ada pokok tumbang tertimpa dia. Esoknya baru orang jumpa
dia, dah tak ada.."terang ibunya dengan suara pilu. Raiz tambah terkejut.
Terfikirkan pengalaman malam tadi! 'bertemu' arwah Naim di malam menjelang
raya.Kalau betul bulan puasa tak ada hantu! apakah yang Raiz temui
semalam?

Petunjuk apakah yang Allah ingin sampakan padanya terduduk disisi
pusara Naim, lantas dia teringatkan kata-kata arwah malam tadi.
"Kau dah balik ni, selalu-selalu la jenguk aku kat sini! ye. Esok dah nak
raya, aku mintak ampun maaf dengan kau dari hujung rambut sampai hujung
kaki. Halalkan makan minum aku selama kita berkawan. Raya ni datang lah
rumah aku ye!" Serta-merta Raiz kembali duduk di sisi pusara arwah Naim
lalu menadah tangan. Kalimah-kalimah ayat suci disedekahkan kepada
arwah."Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan aku! semoga kau tenang dan aman di
sana !

moralnya: jgn lupa kawan dan rajin2lah bertanya kabar

CREDIT(gambar): http://ibnismail.wordpress.com/

[teladan] Coffee OR Cups - Facts of Life

The happiest people in the world are not those who
have no problems, but those who learn to live with
things that are less than perfect.'

A group of graduates, highly established in their careers,
got together to visit their old university professor.
Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress
in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor
went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee
and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass,
crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite -
telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee, the professor said:
'If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up,
leaving behind the simple and cheap ones. While it is normal for
you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your
problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality
to the coffee. In most cases, it is just more expensive and in
some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted
was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...
Then you began eyeing each other's cups.


Now consider this:
Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the
cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of
cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee
God has provided us. Enjoy your coffee!.'

The happiest people don't have the best of everything..
They just make the best of everything.'

1. Live simply.
2. Love generously.
3. Care deeply.
4. Speak kindly.
5. Leave the rest to God.

You are the miracle;
Your life either shines a light OR casts a shadow!
Shine a light & Enjoy the Coffee...

[lawak] PENIMBANG BERAT

 

Di sebuah Mall yang sesak dengan pengunjung.. ada satu alat pengukur berat badan yang cukup canggih.. Hanya dengan membayar RM 1.00 kita akan diberitahu berapa berat badan kita oleh program komputer. Seorang gadis dan temannya mencuba di tengah kerumunan orang.. Setelah memasukkan wang RM 1.00.. mesin komputer menjawab: "47 kg!"Gadis kedua cuba untuk menimbang, dan mesin komputer menjawab: "52 kg!" Setelah beberapa minit dating seorang wanita yang cukup gemuk dan montel cuba menimbang dirinya di mesin itu. Setelah memasukkan wang RM 1.00.. mesin komputer mengeluarkan jawapan: "Tolong naik sorang-sorang.. jangan ramai-ramai!"

[lawak] Baju Cinta Nenek

Seorang nenek datang menziarahi rumah cucu
perempuannya yang baru berkahwin. Setelah
membunyikan loceng, si nenek terkejut kerana
mendapati cucu perempuannya yang membuka
pintu dgn tanpa seurat benang pun di badannya.
Belum sempat si nenek bertanya, si cucu
berkata,
"Saya sedang menunggu suami saya pulang dari berkerja nie nek!".
"Yg kau telanjang tu nape!!!???" marah si nenek.
"Ini la BAJU CINTA saya" balas si cucu perempuannya.
"BAJU CINTA ??" si nenek kehairanan.
"Ya, suami saya menyukainya, saya
juga begitu senang MEMAKAInya. Saya harap
nenek dapat balik dulu sebelum suami saya
pulang kerana tentu suami saya nanti akan
berasa malu melihat saya memakai BAJU CINTA
ini di hadapan nenek." pinta si cucu perempuannya.
Si nenek faham kehendak
cucunya. Dalam fikirannya mungkin itu cara
terbaru si isteri melayan sang suami. Di dalam
perjalanan pulang si nenek mendapat idea.
Fikirnya dengan mengikut cara cucu
perempuannya, sudah tentu dia dapat
mengeratkan hubungannya dengan si atok yang
sudah berumur. Sesampainya di rumah, si nenek
tadi terus menanggalkan semua pakaiannya,
mandi, berbedak dan memakai minyak wangi
sewangi wanginya. Kemudian si nenek tadi pun
menunggu si atok pulang. Beberapa ketika si atok
pon pulang. Sebaik saja pintu di buka, si atok
mendapati si nenek berbogel kat depan
pintu....
"Awat hang nie? Dah buang tebiat keeer???" marah si atok tadi.
"Ini lah BAJU CINTA saya bang" kata si nenek tadi.

"BAJU CINTA???....... kok iye pun..... IRON la dulu bajutuh!! nampak sangat kedutnyer....." 

p/s: cerita ini tiada kena mengena dengan
yg hidup atau yg mati..:-j

[lawak] Cium Isteri

Pada suatu pagi, bertanya si isteri pada si suami:
Isteri :Abang tengok jiran kita yg baru pindah tu?
Suami :Kenapa?
Isteri :Tiap pagi sebelum pergi kerja, suami dia akan cium isterinya. Bila pulang
kerja, dia akan berikan isterinya sekuntum bunga mawar. Loving betullah
mereka. Kenapa abang tak buat macam tu?
Suami :Nak mampus... Mana abang kenal isteri dia?'

[fakta] Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia Purba

keajaiban dunia adalah suatu karya yang sangat dashyat yang telah diciptakn oleh suku-suku terdahulu yang mampu membuat suatu peradaban dan mampu menciptkan bermacam-macam bangunan yang hampir sebagai bangunan itu memiliki arsitektur yang baik dan juga kehebatan mereka membangun suatu bangunan yang dikemudian hari telah menjadi keajaiban dunia.
tujuh keajaiban yang telah diakui dunia .akan tergeser oleh beberpa nominasi dari negara-negara lain yang mengajukan masing-masing daerah (negara) mereka untuk menjadi nominasi atau bahkan menjadi anggota sebagai predikat 7 keajaiban dunia.
nah sebelum itu juga kita perlu memperhatikan bagaiman keajaiabn dunia yang dulu yang kesemuanya telah hancur terkecuali pyramid khufu,yang masih bertahan.





Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia Purba:


1.Piramid Agung Giza,
2.Taman Tergantung Babylon,
3.Kuil Artemis,
4.Berhala Zeus di Olympia,
5. Makam Maussollos,
6.Patung Raksasa Rhodes
7.Rumah Api Iskandariah


Piramid Agung Giza:




Piramid Agung Kufu merupakan satu daripada Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia yang tertua dan
yang terakhir masih tinggal. Piramid ini dipercayai dibina sebagai makam untuk Firaun Kufu (nama Greek: Cheops; tempoh pemerintahan: 2606-2583 SM) daripada Wangsa Mesir Keempat. Arkiteknya ialah Hemon, saudara Kufu. Piramid ini siap dibina pada sekitar tahun 2580 SM, setelah menelan masa 20 tahun.


Taman Tergantung Babylon:

Taman Tergantung Babylon (juga dikenali sebagai Taman Tergantung Semiramis) dan tembok-tembok Babylon (kini Iraq) telah dipertimbangkan untuk menjadi salah satu daripada Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia. Kedua-duanya telah dibina oleh Raja Nebuchadnezzar II (604-562 BC), cucu kepada Raja Hammurabi yang terkenal, sekitar tahun 600 SM . Taman tergantung Babylon terletak sekitar 50 kilometer selatan Baghdad, Iraq di sebelah tebing timur Sungai Euphrates.
Taman Tergantung sebenarnya tidaklah betul-betul "tergantung" seperti terikat dengan tali. Namanya datang dari terjemahan yang kata Yunani kremastos atau kata Latin pensilis, yang bermaksud bukan hanya "tergantung” tetapi "anjung," seperti terletak di atas berandah atau suatu teres.


Kuil Artemis:



Kuil Artemis (B. Greek: Ἀρτεμίσιον Artemision, B. Latin: Artemisium) merupakan kuil tamadun Yunani Purba yang dibina untuk menyembah tuhan Artemis. Kuil ini dibina pada 550 S.M. di Ephesus yang terletak di negara Turki hari ini. Kuil ini tergolong dalam senarai Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia Purba tetapi telahpun dimusnahkan oleh Herostratus.


Berhala Zeus di Olympia:



Berhala Zeus di Olympia diukir oleh pengukir klasik terkenal iaitu Phidias (Kurun ke-5 Sebelum Masihi) kira-kira 435 SM, di Yunani
"Di tangan kanannya, sebuah bentuk 'Kemenangan' yang dibuat daripada gading dan emas. Di tangan kirinya, cogan alamnya yang digenggam dengan keseluruhannya logam, dan seekor helang bertenggek di atasnya. Sandal dewa dibuat daripada emas, begitu jugalah dengan jubahnya." — Pausianas si orang Yunani (abad ke-2 Selepas Masihi).



Makam Maussollos:



Makam Maussollos di Halicarnassus (kini Bodrum, Turki) merupakan sebuah makam besar yang dibina untuk Satrap (Gabernur) wilayah Parsi Curia Maussollos oleh isteri dan adiknya Artemisia II dari Caria. Bangunan makam direka oleh arkitek Yunani purba Satyrus dan Pythius. Tinggi makam ini 45 meter. Di dinding luarnya terdapat ukiran dan seni pahat. Antipater dari Sidon telah memasukkannya dalam senarai Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia.
Makam ini dibina antara tahun 353 dan 350 SM dan berdiri selama 1,700 tahun. Bangunan ini akhirnya musnah akibat beberapa gempa bumi pada abad ke-14 dan ke-15.





Patung Raksasa Rhodes:



Patung Raksasa Rhodes merupakan sebuah patung besar yang melambangkan tuhan Yunani purba Helios yang terletak di Rhodes, iaitu sebuah pulau Yunani. Patung ini didirikan oleh Chares dari Lindos antara 292 dan 280 SM dan merupakan salah satu daripada Tujuh Keajaiban Dunia zaman purba. Patung Raksasa Rhodes berdiri setinggi 30 meter dan diperbuat daripada gangsa. Namun, selepas 56 tahun dibina, patung ini musnah akibat gempa bumi pada 226 SM.




Rumah Api Iskandariah:



Rumah Api Iskandariah ataupun (Pharos Iskandariah) merupakan sebuah rumah api yang dibina pada abad ke-3 SM di pulau Pharos berhampiran dengan kota Iskandariah purba, Mesir purba. Ketinggiannya dianggar melebihi 115 meter dan merupakan antara struktur tertinggi ciptaan manusia selama beratus-ratus tahun. Antipater dari Sidon telah menyenaraikannya dalam senarai Tujuh Keajaiban Dunianya.

CREDIT: kaskus.us

[lawak] Pak Pandir Dan Kepintarannya

Nak dijadikan cerita, suatu hari pak pandir melalui satu lorong yang kecik semasa hendak pulang ke rumahnye.
Entah macamana, di tengah perjalanannye tadi dia terjumpe seketul taik yang masih panas.
Tapi dia masih konpius sama ada betul ke bende yang dia jumpe tu seketul taik.
Oleh kerana kemusykilan yang teramat sangat tu, pak pandir ambil keputusan untuk mengkaji sampel najis berkenaan.
Pak pandir tengok ngan lebih dekat taik tersebut, lalu dia berkata,
'Bentuk macam taik....' Lepas tu dia pegang pulak taik tu, lalu dia berkata,
'Lembik...macam taik.'
Lepas tu dia ambik sikit taik tu lalu dia hidu
taik tu, lepas tu dia berkata,
'Bau macam taik...'
Oleh kerana pak pandir ni masih ragu-ragu dengan taik tu lalu dia pun mengambil keptusan untuk menjilat sedikit taik tersebut.
Sebaik sahaja dia menjilat taik berkenaan dia pun menjerit....
'MEMANG TAIK! NASIB BAIK AKU TAK TERPIJAK!!!'

[lawak] Mengapa Utara Tak Ditawan Portugis

Tolong sebarkan perkara ini (Sejarah Penjajahan Tanah Melayu) kepada kawan kawan Kita supaya Kita semua dapat kesedaran di sebalik sejarah yang sengaja tak didedah disebabkan agenda tertentu. Semoga dari pendedahan ini kita mengambil iktibar betapa Ketuanan Melayu disanggah selama ini.

1508: Alfonso de al buqurque menyampaikan hasratnya kepada Raja portugis untuk meluaskan pegaruhnya ke AsiaTenggara (Melaka pusat perdagangan Asia tenggara ketika itu) dan juga laluan penting perdagangan timur barat. Raja Portugis bersetuju untuk menyediakan kemudahan bala tentera 158 buah kapal, 15300 (anggaran) bala tentera.

1509: Portugis menghantar perisik keMelaka untuk mengetahui keadaan kekuatan pertahanan disana.

Oct 1511: Alfonso berjaya menawan Melaka setelah berhempas pulas melawan 5 pahlawan melayu terhandal (Hang Tuah,Hang Lekir, Hang Lekiu,Hang Jebat Dan Hang Kasturi) ini adalah mimpi ngeri bagi pihak Alfonso, untuk menawan Melaka serta berlawan dengan 5 Hang bersaudara,mereka perlu mendapat askar tambahan setelah 15k askarnya terkorban dalampertempuran selama 6 Hari itu dengan 5 Hang bersudara. Akhirnya dapat juga menawan Melaka setelah hampir kecewa dan berputus asa.

1512: Setahun 2 bulan kemudian Alfonso ingin meluaskan kekuasaannya ke Perlis, Kedah Dan P.Pinang, yang ketikaitu adalah pusat pegeluaran tebu untuk gula rantau ini.

Feb 1512: Alfonso menghantar perisik ke Perlis, Kedah Dan Pulau Pinang untuk mengetahui kekuatan bala tentera disana mengikut sejarah, perisiknya telah ke kedai kopi sekitar untuk mendapat segala maklumat yang diperlukan.

Seminggu selepas itu,
FEB 1512: Perisik balik ke Melaka untuk memberitakan hasil risikan kepada Alfonso. Di bawah adalah perbualan percakapan antara perisik dengan Alfonso yang selama ini Cuba disembunyikandalam buku sejarah

Perisik 1.2.3: selamat pagi tuan (sambil bertabik)
Alfonso: selamat pagi
Perisik 1: Begini lah tuan, lupakan saja niat tuan untuk menawan Perlis, Kedah Dan Pulau Pinang
Alfonso: Kenapa kuat sangatkah mereka itu..? ( dengan nadamarah Dan bongkak)
Perisik 2: Untuk menawan Melaka yang mempunyai 5 pahlawan terhandal Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat, Hang Kasturi, Hang Lekir Dan Hang Lekiu pun kita kehilangan hampir 15k bala tentera, inikan pula kita nak menawan Perlis, Kedah dan P.Pinang yang mempunyai beribu ribu hang!
Perisik 3: Betoi tu tuan. Antaranya:
Hang sihat, hang buat apa, hang apak habar, hang lagu mana, hang nak pi mana, hang kat mana, hang singgah dulu, bapak hang, mak hang, adik hang, tok hang dan macam macam lagi hang Ada kat sana..

Mendengar hasil risikan itu Alfonso pun tak jadi nak pi serang disebabkan pengalamannya sebelum ini bersama 5 pahlawan melayu Melaka amat ngeri, inikan pula nak berhadapan beribu-ribu hang kat situ.

[lawak] Mat Saleh Punye Lawak

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

4. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

5. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

6. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE

7. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

8. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein

9. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

10. Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried." Sir Winston Churchill

[lawak] Kampung Rajin

ada masa dahulu, ada sebuah
kampung dimana semua rakyatnya amat
RAJIN belaka tidak ada yang malas.

Jadi pada suatu hari, rajanya membuat pengumuman hendak mencari
seorang yang malas.

Semasa perhimpunan itu, adalah seorang lelaki mengaku
Katanya : "saya adalah yang paling malas"

Raja pun bertanya : "apa tahap malas awak?"

Lalu jawab lelaki tersebut : "kalau saya hendak makan,ada orang yang menyuapkan saya".

Tiba-tiba datang seorang lelaki lagi : "Saya lebih malas lagi dari dia tuanku".

Tuanku pun bertanya kepadanya : "sampai mana pulak tahap malas awak?"

maka jawabnya : "Kalau saya makanpun, sampai ada orang tolong kunyahkan".

Maka raja pun terdiam?

Tanpa disangka2 datang seorang budak lelaki datang kepadanya sambil berkata:
"saya adalah yang paling malas tuanku".

Raja pun bertanya, : "bagaimana pula tahap kemalasan awak?"

budak itu pun menjawab : "Nak cite pun malas".

[fakta] Bukan Semua Sains Terdahulu Adalah Betul

TOP 10 Science Mistakes

No. 1 - The Circulatory System



You don't have to be a doctor to know how important the heart is...but back in ancient Greece, you could be a doctor and STILL have no idea how important the heart is.Back then, doctors like second-century Greek physician Galen believed (no kidding) that the liver (not the heart) circulated blood (along with some bile and phlegm), while the heart (really) circulated "vital spirit"(whatever that is). How could they be so wrong? It gets worse.Galen hypothesized that the blood moved in a back-and-forth motion and was consumed by the organs as fuel. What's more, these ideas stuck around for a very long time. How long? It wasn't until 1628 that English physician William Harvey let us in on our heart's big secret. His "An Anatomical Study of the Motion of the Heart and of the Blood in Animals" took a while to catch on, but a few hundred years later, it seems beyond common sense -- perhaps the ultimate compliment for a scientific idea.

No. 2 - The Earth Is the Center of the Universe



Chalk it up to humanity's collectively huge ego. Second-century astronomer Ptolemy's (blatantly wrong) Earth-centered model of the solar system didn't just stay in vogue for 20 or 30 years; it stuck around for a millennium and then some.It wasn't until almost 1,400 years later that Copernicus published his heliocentric (sun-centered) model in 1543. Copernicus wasn't the first to suggest that the we orbited the sun, but his theory was the first to gain traction.Ninety years after its publication, the Catholic Church was still clinging to the idea that we were at the center of it all and duking it out with Galileo over his defense of the Copernican view. Old habits die hard.

No. 3 - Germs in Surgery


Laugh or cry (take your pick), but up until the late 19th century, doctors didn't really see the need to wash their hands before picking up a scalpel.The result? A lot of gangrene. Most early-19th century doctors tended to attribute contagion to "bad air" and blamed disease on imbalances of the "four humors" (that's blood, phlegm, yellow bile and black bile, in case you weren't familiar). "Germ theory" (the revolutionary idea that germs cause disease) had been around for a while, but it wasn't till Louis Pasteur got behind it in the 1860s that people started listening. It took a while, but doctors like Joseph Lister eventually connected the dots and realized that hospitals and doctors had the potential to pass on life-threatening germs to patients. Lister went on to pioneer the idea of actually cleaning wounds and using disinfectant. Remember him next time you reach for the Purell.

No. 4 - DNA: Not So Important



DNA was discovered in 1869, but for a long time, it was kind of the unappreciated assistant: doing all the work with none of the credit, always overshadowed by its flashier protein counterparts.Even after experiments in the middle part of the 20th century offered proof that DNA was indeed the genetic material , many scientists held firmly that proteins, not DNA, were the key to heredity.
DNA, they thought, was just too simple to carry so much information. It wasn't until Watson and Crick published their all-important double-helical model of the structure of DNA in 1953 that biologists finally started to understand how such a simple molecule could do so much. Perhaps they were confusing simplicity with elegance.

No. 5 - The Atom Is the Smallest Particle in Existence


Believe it or not, we weren't actually all that stupid in ancient times. The idea that matter was composed of smaller, individual units (atoms) has been around for thousands of years -- but the idea that there was something smaller than that was a bit harder to come by. It wasn't until the early 20th century, when physicists like J.J. Thompson, Ernest Rutherford, James Chadwick and Neils Bohr came along, that we started to sort out the basics of particle physics: protons, neutrons and electrons and how they make an atom what it is. Since then, we've come a long way: on to charmed quarks and Higgs bosons, anti-electrons and muon neutrinos. Let's hope it doesn't get too much more complicated than that.

No. 6 - The Earth Is Only 6,000 Years Old


Once upon a time, the Bible was considered a scientific work. Really. People just kind of assumed it was accurate, even when it didn't make much sense. Take the age of the planet, for example. Back in the 17th century, a religious scholar took a hard look at the Bible and estimated that creation happened around 4004 B.C. (you know, approximately). Add in nearly 2,000 more years to get to the 18th century, when Western, Bible-reading geologists started to realize that the Earth was constantly shifting and changing, and you get about 6,000 years.Hmm ... those biblical scholars may have been a bit off. Current estimates, based on radioactive dating, place the age of the planet at around, oh, 4.5 BILLION years. By the 19th century, geologists started putting the pieces together to realize that if geologic change was happening as slowly as they thought it was, and if this Darwin guy was at all right about evolution (which was also a slow process), the Earth had to be WAY older than they had thought. The emergence of radioactive dating in the early 20th century would eventually prove them right.

No. 7 - The Rain Follows the Plow


If only it were so easy. It's actually kind of shocking that humanity held on to the idea that land would become fertile through farming for so long. Didn't anyone look around and see that all this farming of arid land wasn't doing much? So much for observation. In reality, this quite erroneous theory (popular during the American and Australian expansions) may have stayed alive in part because it did sometimes work -- or at least it seemed to work. What we know now is that the plow wasn't actually bringing the rain; long-term weather patterns were. Arid regions (like the American West, for example) go through long-term cyclical droughts, followed by cycles of wetter years. Wait long enough and you'll get a few wet ones. There's just one problem: wait a few more years and all the rain just goes away - only now, you've got a civilization to support.

No. 8 - Phlogiston


What? You've never heard of phlogiston? Well, don't beat yourself up about it, because it's not real.Phlogiston, proposed in 1667 by Johann Joachim Becher, was another element to add to the list (earth, water, air, fire and sometimes ether); it wasn't fire itself, but the stuff fire was made of. All combustible objects contained this stuff, Becher insisted, and they released it when they burned.Scientists bought into the theory and used it to explain a few things about fire and burning: why things burned out (must have run out of phlogiston), why fire needed air to burn (air must absorb phlogiston), why we breathe (to get rid of phlogiston in the body).

No. 9 - Heavier Objects Fall Faster


OK, trick question: do heavier objects fall faster than lighter ones? Today, we all know that they don't, but it's understandable how Aristotle could've gotten this one wrong. It wasn't until Galileo came along in the late 16th century that anyone really tested this out. Though he most likely did not, as legend holds, drop weights from the tower of Pisa, Galileo did perform experiments to back up his theory that gravity accelerated all objects at the same rate. In the 17th century, Isaac Newton took us a step further, describing gravity as the attraction between two objects: on Earth, the most important being the attraction between one very massive object (our planet) and everything on it. A couple of hundred years later, Albert Einstein's work would take us in a whole new direction, viewing gravity as the curvature that objects cause in space-time. And it's not over. To this day, physicists are ironing out the kinks and trying to find a theory that works equally well for the macroscopic, microscopic and even subatomic. Good luck with that.

No. 10 - Alchemy


The idea of morphing lead into gold may seem a little crazy these days, but take a step back and pretend you live in ancient or medieval times.Pretend you never took high-school chemistry and know nothing about elements or atomic numbers or the periodic table. What you do know is that you've seen chemical reactions that seemed pretty impressive: substances change colors, spark, explode, evaporate, grow, shrink, make strange smells - all before your eyes.Now, if chemistry can do all that, it seems pretty reasonable that it might be able to turn a dull, drab, gray metal into a bright, shiny yellow one, right? Today, we know that we breathe to get oxygen to support cellular respiration, that objects need oxygen (or an oxidizing agent) to burn and that phlogiston just doesn't exist. In the hopes of getting that job done, alchemists sought out the mythical "philosopher's stone," a substance that they believed would amplify their alchemical powers.They also spent a lot of time looking for the "elixir of life." Never found that, either.


CREDIT: Science Channel

[fakta] The words ‘moron,’ ‘imbecile,’ and ‘idiot’ were once medical terms.

These were all words used to describe a person whose IQ was below 70. More specifically, those who had an IQ between 0 and 25 were idiots, those between 26 and 50 were deemed imbeciles, and those scoring between 51 and 70 were considered morons.

It wasn’t long, however, before they all became commonly used as insults. Therefore, the term ‘retarded’ was used to replace them, since its Latin root has the innocent meaning of “to make slow, delay, or hinder.” Naturally, history repeated itself, and that too became a derogatory word.

[fakta] Sejarah Pejuang Omar Mokhtar dan Libya

Omar Mokhtar:

Omar Mokhtar was from the tribe of Mnifa, born in a small village called Janzour located in the eastern part of Barqa not to be confused with the city of western Libya called Janzour which is more well known. He was the leader of the resistance movement against the Italian military occupation of Libya for more than twenty years.

A teacher of the Quran by profession, Mukhtar was also skilled in desert tactics. He knew his country's geography well, and used that knowledge to his advantage in battles against the Italians, who were not accustomed to desert warfare. He repeatedly led his small, highly alert groups in successful attacks against the Italians, after which they would fade back into the desert terrain. Mukhtar's men skillfully attacked outposts, ambushed troops, and cut lines of supply and communication. The Italians were left astonished and embarrassed to have been outsmarted and tricked by mere "Bedouin."

In 1922 he reorganized the Mojahideen and re-ignited the resistance against Italy after World War I when the Italians thought that they succeeded in silencing the Libyan resistance. Omar Al-Mokhtar, was ill couple of times and many of his comrades asked him to retire and leave the country, he was about 83 years old. But he refused and kept fighting and he deserved a name given to him as "The Lion of the Desert."

Italian Invasion in Libya:
In October of 1911, Italian colonial battleships reached the shores of Tripoli, Libya. The Italian's fleet leader, Farafelli, made a demand to the Libyans to surrender Libya to the Italians or the city would be destroyed at once. The Libyans fled, but the Italians attacked Tripoli anyway, bombing the city for three days and thereafter proclaiming the Libyan population in Tripoli to be "committed and strongly bound to Italy." The event marked the beginning of a series of battles between the Italian occupiers and the Libyan Omar Mukhtar's forces.

Feeling that they may lose Libya to the Mojahideen, the Italian authorities sent one of their bloodiest high ranking officers Badolio who used the most inhuman measures to end the resistance. He did not just lead the fight against Omar Al-Moktar and his comrades, but he also punished even those who were living peacefully in the cities and villages accusing them of helping the Mojahideen. Badolio was not the only one whome the Italian government thought able to end the Libyan resistance through using the most inhumane and blodiest measures. Mosoliny, the infamous Italian dictator, sent another high ranking officer to kill thousands and thousands of inocent Libyans, young and old. fighters and non-fighters. Mosolini thought that the solution to the Libyan problem was Rodolfo Grasiani and by sending him to lead the fight against the Libyans he was telling his cabinet that anything and everything must be done to control Libya.

Major Battles:
The Italians first concentrated their attack on the coast cities, Tripoli, Benghazi, Misrata and Derna. Major battles took place in Al-Hani near Tripoli (October 23, 1911) , Ar-Rmaila near Misrata, Al-Fwaihat near Benghazi (March 1912) and Wadi Ash-Shwaer near Derna. Other battles took place on the coast and in other cities, villages, mountains and desert. One of the major battles was Al-Gherthabiya near Sirt (April 1915) where the Italians lost thousands of their soldiers.

Although the Italians succeeded in controling most of Libya after years of resistance and struggle (Jihad), they could not control the whole country because the Libyan fighters (Mojahideen) left their homes and headed for the mountains where they planned their attacks against the Italian armies. Some of the major Libyan fighters (Mojahideen) against the Italians were Omar Al-Moktar, Ramazan As-Swaihli, Mohammad Farhat Az-Zawi, Al-Fadeel Bo-Omar, Solaiman Al-Barouni and Silima An-Nailiah to name a few. Omar Al-Moktar is considered the great symbol for the Libyan resistance (Jihad) against the Italian occupation. He reorganized the Mojahideen in The Green Mountain (Aj-Jabal Al-Akdar) North East Libya and he re-ignited the resistance against Italy after World War I when the Italians thought that they succeeded in silencing the Libyan resistance.

The Original Rebel and Plannings of Omar and Italians Army:
In the mountainous region of Jebel Akhdar (the Green Mountain) Italian Governor Mombelli succeeded in 1924 in activating a counter-guerrilla force that inflicted a harsh defeat on the rebels in April 1925. Omar then quickly modified his own tactics. In March 1927, notwithstanding the occupation of Giarabub (February 1926) and the reenforcement of the oppression under then Governor Teruzzi, Omar surprised an Italian military force at Raheiba. Between 1927 and 1928 Omar fully reorganized the Senusite forces, who were being hunted constantly by the Italians.

Even General Teruzzi recognized Omar's qualities of "exceptional perseverance and strong will power." Pietro Badoglio, the new governor of Libya (January 1929), after extensive negotiations was able to reach a compromise with Omar similar to previous Italo-Senusite accords. Italian sources falsely described the situation as an act of complete submission by Omar.

At the end of October 1929 Omar denounced the compromise and reestablished a unity of action among Libyan forces, preparing himself for the ultimate confrontation with General Rodolfo Graziani, the military commander from March 1930. Having failed in a massive offensive in June against Omar's forces, Graziani, in full accord with Badoglio, De Bono (minister of the colonies), and Benito Mussolini, initiated a strong plan to decisively break off the Cirenaica resistance. The plan was to transfer the Gebel population (around 100,000 persons) to concentration camps on the coast and to close the borders. Grasiani built a wired wall 300 Kilometers long, 2 meters high and 3 meters wide from Bardiyat Slaiman port North Libya to Al-Jagboub South East Libya, thus preventing any foreign(Egypt) help to the fighters and breaking up the solidarity of the population.

From the beginning of 1931 the measures taken by Graziani took their toll on the Senusist resistance. The rebels were deprived of help and reinforcements, spied upon, hit by Italian aircraft, and pursued by the Italian forces aided by local informers. In spite of hardships and increasing risks, Omar courageously continued the fight, but on September 11, 1931, he was ambushed near Zonta because they were out of food, out of mens, out of information and very little ammunations left.

Italian Army forced Libyians to live in Camps:
Italian Army built concentration camps where thousands of Libyans must live under complete control of the Italian army. Grasiany built concentration camps in: Al-Aghaila, Al-Maghroun, Solouq and Al-Abiyar to name a few. By the end of November 1929 all Libyans who live in tents in Al-Jabal Al-Akdar, Mortaf-Aat Al-Thahir from Beneena North to Ash-Shlaithemiya South, from Tawkera to the southern desert of Balt Abdel-Hafeeth and all the members of any tribe that has one or more of its sons fighting with Mojahideen, all those and more, thousands and thousands of Libyans were forced to leave their land and live in one of the concentration camps mentioned above.

In 1933, the Italian Army Health Department Chairman, Dr. Todesky wrote in his book (Cerinaica today): "From May 1930 to September 1930 more than 80,000 Libyans were forced to leave their land and live in concentration camps, they were taken 300 at a time watched by soldiers to make sure that the Libyans go directly to the concentration camps.

Peoples life in the Camps:
Life in the camps was miserable and thousands of Libyans died of hunger, illness and some of them were hanged or shot because they believed to be helping the Mojahideen. Dr. Todesky wrote (continued from his book) "By the end of 1930 all Libyans who live in tents were forced to go and live in the camps. 55% of the Libyans died in the camps." The Libyan historian Mahmoud Ali At-Taeb said in an interview with the Libyan magazine Ash-Shoura (October 1979) that in November 1930 there were at least seventeen funerals a day in the camps due to hunger, illness and depression.

When some world newspapers talked about the inhumane life in the concentration camps in Libya, the Italian army started giving the Libyans some dry parley (22 Kilo-grams per person per month!...) which was too little to late. Outside the camps, in the mountains, the Mojahideen continued to fight the Italian occupation, but by the year 1931 the Mojahideen were out of food, out of information and out of ammunitions. The leader of the Mojahideen, Omar Al-Moktar, was ill couple of times and many of his comrades asked him to retire and leave the country, he was about 83 years old. But he refused and kept fighting.

No respect of human laws:
Grasiani agreed to go to Libya if and only if Mosolini let him do the job without any consideration or respect for rules and laws in Italy or in the World and Mosolini agreed immediately. He planned his murderous attack on the Libyans, all Libyans according to Mosoliny's Motto "If you are not with me, you are against me!" which means the only way to control the country is by killing almost half of its population and the Italians did cause the death of half of Libya's men, women, elderly and childern, directly through public hangings and shootings and indirectly (hunger, illness and horror) for the sake of one thing: showing the world that they have the power to invade and capture colonies just like the other powers in the world.

Capture and Execution:
Mukhtar's nearly twenty years struggle came to an end when he became wounded in battle and was subsequently captured by the Italian army. The Libyan hero was treated like a prize catch by the Italians. Though in his late eighties, Mukhtar was shackled with heavy chains from his waist and wrists because of the army's fear that he just might escape. Mukhtar's capture was a serious blow to his people. However, his resilience had an impact on his jailers, who later said they were overwhelmed by his steadfastness. His interrogators later confessed that Mukhtar looked them in the eye and read verses of peace from the Qur'an as he was tortured and interrogated.

Mukhtar's final adversary, Italian General Rodolfo Graziani, has given a description of the Senusite leader that is not lacking in respect: "Of medium height, stout, with white hair, beard and mustache. Omar was endowed with a quick and lively intelligence; was knowledgeable in religious matters, and revealed an energetic and impetuous character, unselfish and uncompromising; ultimately, he remained very religious and poor, even though he had been one of the most important Senusist figures."

Mukhtar was tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by hanging in a public place. The fairness of his trial has been disputed by historians and scholars. When asked if he wished to say any last words, he replied with the Qur'anic clause:

"From Allah we have come, and to Allah we will return."
On September 16, 1931, in the hope that the Libyan resistance movement would wither and die without him, Mukhtar was hanged in front of his followers in the concentration camp of Sollouq the orders of the Italian court. They forced the Libyans to watch their hero been hanged. There were no considerations of human rights in the Libya.

But, remember that the Italians caused the death of half of Libya's population and killing Omar Al-Moktar to the Italians was ending the Libyan resistance which to them means finally taking control of the country after 20 years of struggle. Libya was under the Italian occupation till 1943 when Italy was defeated in World War II and Libya became under the Allies Armies occupation till December 24, 1951 when Libya achieved its independance after years and years of occupation.

Many peoples have taken inspiration from Omar Mokhtar struggle:
Today his face is shown on the Libyan 10 Dinar bill. His final years were immortalized in the movie The Lion of the Desert (1981), starring Anthony Quinn, Oliver Reed, and Irene Papas.

Streets are named for him not only in his native Libya but in many other Arab countries as well. In particular, many fighters which they are fighting for their rights have taken inspiration from his struggle.

CREDIT: obelisk@cari forum

[lawak] Naming THe Twins

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.